I haven’t been blogging much these days, and I’m really sorry. There have been times when I thought of something I could write about, but by the time I sat down, I lost the impulse. Part of that has been my extremely busy schedule. After a 9-5 day (okay, more like 9-4), my brain is absolutely fried. I think I need to learn how to take breaks. Now I finally understand the need for all those NSFW tags — it’s because people spend half their workdays on Reddit. I think it’s nearly impossible for anybody to work nonstop at full productivity for 8 hours. I’ve always hated taking breaks because I feel like they’re stop signs in the middle of a highway. After I put on the brakes, it takes so much more gas to accelerate back up to 80 mph. Anyway, so I’ve been working 7ish hours straight every day and I come home and drift in and out of consciousness for a few hours. On a good day, I manage to clean the litter box and wash my dishes. Then, I usually have something to do in the evening like teach GRE, play squash, or hang out with friends.
So yeah, busy’s been part of it. You know what the other part was? I’m simply not angsty enough. Me, not angsty. A foreign idea, right? I’m not angry enough to rant about the injustice of the world. Sometimes, I get mad at arrogant, judgmental people and I almost want to lecture them about their narrow-minded ideas, but my anger quickly dissipates. Eventually, all I want to write about is how well life is going for me. And, well, nobody wants to hear about that. I know that I get annoyed every time someone posts a selfie of herself in Paris for her study abroad program and captions it: “My life is amazingggg OMG!”
I didn’t want to write a humble brag. But I really am inspired now to share a few things with you, so hopefully it doesn’t come off as that way.
I’ve learned more about myself, what I care about, what I want, and what I need in the past few months since my graduation than in my entire college career combined. College is a great time where you’re shielded from responsibility, insulated from the harsh realities of the adult life. I loved all four years of it. But goddamn, I do not want to go back. Recently, I made a new friend who just started her first semester and I love reliving my freshman year through her. I’m so glad, though, that I’ll never have to go back. Adulthood is hard. Adulthood means that everything falls on you, and I’m not just talking about the bills. What I mean is that you have to learn how to take care of yourself, in every sense. It means sticking your hand down the drain to scoop out rotten food. It means doing the dishes within 24 hours because that stuff bothers you now. It means asking your landlord to fix the water pressure in the bathroom. It also means not freaking out when you leave the dishes in the sink too long and fruit flies invade your kitchen.
Yes, adulthood is hard. But it’s also rewarding and liberating. I’ve never given less a shit about absolutely everything, and that’s awesome. I’m not apathetic; I’m still very passionate about my goals and dreams. I’ve just learned to accept and embrace failure. I’ve learned that I don’t have to be the best. I’ve learned that there are hundreds of jobs I could have, hundreds of places I could live, hundreds of people I could befriend…and with any combination of the three, I would be happy. Because I am happy now. I am happy now at what is arguably the most lacking point of my life. I don’t have money; I don’t have a family (as in husband, dog, baby, white-picket fence); I don’t really have a career. And yet I feel like I have so much. I have people who care about me, I have the best job I could have at this moment, I have a beautiful apartment, I have the best kitty.
I have possibility. I just applied to my sixth law school today and I could be hearing back in the next few weeks. I have a very good chance at getting into my dream school, and I’m surer than ever that I would be happy there. I’m ready to move to New York — Big Apple, bring it on. A while ago, I mused about the conundrum of having it all. Was it possible to have it all? Did we already have it all? You know what I think now? I do have it all. I have absolutely no complaints about my life right now. I don’t think I’ve said anything negative about my life to anyone, including myself, for many months. I wake up, I see my cat patiently waiting for her breakfast, and I smile.
What does happiness feel like for you?