OCH: My Abusive Relationship

Rebecca and PhineasThis post is part of the Odd Couple Habits series, in which the idiosyncrasies of my relationship with Phineas will be revealed, to our mutual embarrassment and hopefully to your enjoyment. 

If Phineas and I ever went to couples counseling, we’d probably get psychoanalyzed to death for having this odd habit. I can picture the middle-aged lady peering at us through her glasses, asking, “You two enjoy insulting each other?” As the French would say, oh la la, that’s not a good sign. Maybe we’ll end up killing each other someday, but for now this is a bad habit we love to have. Last night, we had a conversation that went like this:

•••

Me: Phineas, what would you ever do if we broke up? You’d start dating normal girls and you’d try to be weird with them, but they would just stare blankly back at you.

Phineas: Ahem, I’m more concerned about you. You’d never find anyone to listen to your crazy talk ever again. Plus, there are plenty of weird girls out there. I’ll just find one that’s weird, but not as weird as you. More manageable.

Me: But you’ll be bored in no time, because you like challenges!

Phineas: You give me a headache.

Me: Stop being so white-washed. [Note: this is not a racial slur. I use it because it makes no sense at all, and Phineas is the most Asian person I know.]

Phineas: Stop being so green-washed.

Me: I’m sorry! God. Hey babe, so today I was thinking about redheads. [I tend to change subjects very quickly in a conversation.]

Phineas: Naturally. [It’s a well-known fact that I’m obsessed with gingers.]

Me: I was thinking that if all redheads had babies with brunettes, gingerness would die out in like a few generations. But there’s still so many redheads in the world, so that proves that redheads regularly marry other gingers or blonds. That got me thinking how people tend to date people who look just like him. Like us, for example. If people looked at us, they’d think we could be siblings. Cuz after dating for so long, we’re bound to have adopted each other’s mannerisms.

Phineas: Ew. I do not have any of your mannerisms.

Me: But we’re both Asian, relatively thin and tall, you know. We look like the same kind of person.

Phineas (groans): Can you stop thinking for awhile? My brain hurts.

Me (huffs): You just can’t keep up with my conversations.

Phineas: I just don’t want to.

Me: Stop being so white-washed.

Step one.

Step two.

Step two.

•••

This characterizes most of our interactions. I think we may or may not have a communication problem. Or, perhaps, we are subconsciously harboring years’ worth of resentment towards each other that will inevitably erupt in a shootout. Stay tuned, y’all!

Do you and your significant other have an “abusive” relationship? What are some of the most original and senseless insults you’ve used?

À la prochaine,

R

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