Sorry Mom and Dad, I know you guys worked hard for me to achieve the American dream AKA buy a college diploma, slave away in a cubicle, and climb the social ladder. And I’m sorry I’m not smart enough to take a shortcut like Mark Zuckerburg. But I’m just not cut out for the banal routine that is the university life. I don’t care that I’m a year away from graduating; I quit. You see, I don’t plan to do anything with my degree anyway, so why continue donating thousands to the University of Michigan? Peace out, everyone, I’m quitting civilization.
According to Rousseau, civilization was the downfall of humanity.
But from the moment one man began to stand in need of the help of another; from the moment it appeared advantageous to any one man to have enough provisions for two, equality disappeared, property was introduced, work became indispensable, and vast forests became smiling fields, which man had to water with the sweat of his brow, and where slavery and misery were soon seen to germinate and grow up with the crops. ~ Discourse on Inequality
Therefore, I’m gonna do à la Christopher McCandless and disappear Into the Wild. But I don’t want to die alone and I like to shower and I hate mosquitoes, so I’ve made the necessary adjustments. Voilà my new life plan:
- Drop out of school. This might be the easiest thing I’ve ever done. Just stop showing up to classes. Ha!
- Pack necessary belongings into Sushin, my car. I don’t think I can live without a toothbrush. Oh, and my iPhone. Can I bring a laptop too?
- Pack boyfriend into car. Let’s pack his laptop too. And his toothbrush, please and thank you. How about some soap, too? Boys are nasty.
- Move to Switzerland. Wait…you can’t actually drive there. Oops. We’ll board a ship, Sushin and all.
- Become a farmer. Let’s farm rice! It makes such a pretty green. And tomatoes, onions, and
kimcheecabbage. A chicken coop would be nice. Phineas can hunt wild boor.
- Restrict outside communication to snail mail. Except we’ll have internet. How else could I get my daily Gawker fix and Phineas slay enemies in League of Legends? But shhh, nobody will know.
- Adopt a grey horse, dog, cat, and baby. Hold on, babies don’t come in grey?
- Write a bestselling memoir about my life. Because we need an income. Did I mention that we’re paying someone else to grow our food?
- Get really, really sick of Switzerland. I give it a maximum 12 months.
- Move back to Ann Arbor, Michigan and resume studies. Rebecca Cao, Class of 2016.