After last week’s rather heavy post, I thought I would lighten the mood with a fun series on the weird things Phineas and I do. Don’t worry — I haven’t forgotten the Creative Process series. I’m just waiting for my beta readers’ feedback before I continue editing, and then I’ll keep everyone posted on my progress.
In the past two years Phineas and I have known each other, a most curious phenomenon has developed. Last night, as I lay half asleep, I realized that we have named almost all the inanimate objects we’ve given to each other. Not only that, but they have the most bizarre names in the world. The list of names is growing so long, it’s getting hard to keep track of. I kind of feel like the sultan Ismail Ibn Sharif who fathered 867 children and couldn’t recognize most of them. Phineas himself has quite a few names — Sebastian, James, Jesus (don’t ask about that last one). So that I never forget all these fabulous monikers, I’ve decided to share the many names of our “children” with you.
Meet Henry, a Christopher Ward watch that I gave Phineas for Christmas this year. I know it’s not even Christmas yet, but we had an early gift exchange because on actual Christmas I’ll be in Boca Raton and he’ll be in New York. Henry is named after King Henry VIII to honor his English roots and because, well, he’s a handsome guy. Let’s hope he ages better and doesn’t execute most of his wives. If you happen to own a female watch, though, you better watch out ‘cuz I hear this one’s a real ladies’ man.
2. Eunice and Eugene
These twins are probably our eldest. I don’t remember exactly how or why, but Phineas gifted them to me on two separate occasions. If you can’t tell, Eunice is a stuffed version of an egg (and I don’t mean chicken egg) while Eugene is her counterpart, the sperm. Now that I think about it, it’s a bit risky and incestuous to tie them together, but I didn’t want Eugene to get lost!
Okay, so my dad actually bought Maynard the panda for me in Chengdu, China, home to the world’s largest panda breeding facility. But he’s a irreplaceable part of our family now and enjoys riding on the dashboard of our car.
Speaking of cars, my trusty Honda Civic coupe has been with us for years. Arguably, he’s the most popular family member, as Phineas and I often fight over him. We also can’t agree on his gender — I insist that he’s a he and Phineas insists that she’s a she. While I agree that Sushin has a very nice ass, he clearly also has a package (the gear shift, duh!). He is, alas, named after me — my middle name is Sushin. And no, it’s not because my parents love sushi. Sushin is the anglicization of my Chinese name.
Of course, there is the obligatory French name. I bought Frédérique for Phineas on his 23rd birthday, probably because I secretly wanted him for myself. While a messenger bag isn’t the most useful thing in the world, boy is Frédérique good-looking.
For our one-year anniversary, I gave Phineas a three-part present, one of which was Hector the helicopter. Naming credit goes to Phineas, who clearly enjoys alliteration. Unfortunately, I don’t have a photo of him, but toy helicopters are all the same anyway, right? Hector is the child we enjoy abusing, as we frequently crash him into walls.
Candy isn’t really an object…she’s more of a title given to whatever laptop Phineas happens to own at the moment. Currently, she’s a really old, beat up Dell without a battery. But like all other Candy’s, Phineas adores her and regularly fondles and caresses her. When he’s not with me, he’s with her. I get jealous sometimes.
I’m sure there are many more I’m forgetting, but there’s the line-up! Do you and your significant other ever name inanimate objects? What are some odd couple habits you’ve developed?